Is God Enough To Transform My Ruins???

IMG_4574I was watching “Eat Pray Love” last night and this was a line used, “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” It got me thinking, really thinking. Could this be true. It made me look at my own journey of rebuilding the shattered crumbled pieces of my life. It’s hard to imagine while standing in the ruins of your life, that you could ever be grateful for the mess. Standing in a place of your life where all you have left around you are memories, painful reminders of the life you were just living the day before. It’s a feeling that you can only understand and relate to if you’ve been there. Sadly a lot of us understand. So as I thought on this beautiful line said in a movie, where when the director yelled “cut”, all the emotion faded away. Could this be true to real life? To my life? To your life?
I remember hanging up the phone a night in February and everything I thought was true about my life was gone. In one phone call the path of my life was greatly changed. I was left at the end of the conversation feeling hurt, lost, broken, confused, and a mix of many more emotions. Almost 2 years later I can still be taken back to that day and be flooded with the same overwhelming, overpowering, emotions. It’s gotten easier in time, but nothing prepares me for when my mind decides to take a little trip down memory lane. Nothing prepares my heart for being broken over and over again. Maybe that’s you today too. Trying to move on from the unthinkable. Trying to mend something so shattered that you wouldn’t even know where to start if you wanted to. You can’t imagine ever feeling anything different than the pain you do right now in this moment. I wish I could look at you right now and assure you that you will. That it is possible. Not easy, as I am still healing almost 2 years later, but possible. How do I know? Because I have been where you are right now, and I’ve been putting all my pieces back together. How? Well I had to ask myself, “Will I finally let God be enough for me?” Will I let God be the only love I need in my life? Will I let God in enough to really see all of me? Will I let God love on me enough to help mend my broken heart? Will I let God hold me long and hard enough to “glue” my pieces back together?” It’s not a question of can He, but will I allow Him to that I had to answer first. Once I finally decided to try, I started on this journey of mine to rebuilding my ruins from the ground up. Working with God to make beauty from ashes. Doing this in a way that only God could help me accomplish. Now notice I said “decided to try.” I didn’t get it right all the time, I still don’t. But I decided show myself some grace. Okay a lot of grace. To be patient with myself. So what does it look like? Deciding to let God be enough.
First it takes getting to know Him. Knowing His nature and love for us. This is done by getting in His word. Reading it, praying on it, letting it sink into our inner most being. Soothing those hurt spots that no one else can. Like no one else can. Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love Hr will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” God is not just some being up high in the sky. He is with me. He is with you. Begin to imagine Him sitting there beside you. Holding your hand. Looking at you with such love that only your Heavenly Father can have for you. I promise you it’s way more than any human could ever feel for you. God is strong. He can hold us tight enough to stick all of our pieces back together. On top of that He is strong enough to take our pain. Take our anger that will come out as we work with Him to heal. God isn’t just okay with us. He isn’t like “Yeah, she’s/he’s okay as far as a creation goes.” He delights in you. He delights in me. That can be hard to imagine in the face of rejection, hurt, loss, or pain. Used as a noun delight means, “to take great pleasure.” Some synonyms are, pleasure, happiness, joy, glee, gladness; excitement, bliss, elation, euphoria. God more than just likes you. He is overtaken by emotion for you. This one revelation helped change my life. Helped change the way I view myself, and by extension my life. Even amidst all my pain, I am still loved so deeply, so completely. That means I can believe, trust, that I will be okay. More than okay. I will rise from these ruins around me better, stronger, because of Gods love for me. Even as I am right now in my mess, I can be assured God loves me.
1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Once I took in all of Gods love for me. Fully accepted that He loved me, mess and all, I had to look at what that meant for my life. Could I say I believe God loves me if I’m still allowing fear to drive my life. To drive my decisions. To drive what I believe my life is to become. I’m not an artist. I’m not a creator. So it’s hard for me to look at a lot of pieces, pieces of my life, and see how it will all come together. That can lead to a lot of fear. But if I’m deciding to be made whole, complete, through Gods love, I have got to learn to let fear go. Or learn how to trust God with my human flesh fear I should say. Gods perfect love for me, His words to me, His promises to me, helps to drive out that fear. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This is my life verse. It hangs on my wall so I see it daily. A reminder to let that fear drop. A reminder to trust that even in the midst of my mess, of my pain, God has something better coming.
As much as I wish I didn’t have to go through these past two years, I would not trade the woman I’m becoming for anything. Going back to the line in the beginning of this post “Ruin is a gift. It’s in the ruin transformation happens.” It’s so true. These last 2 years as painful as they have been, as broken as I became, have transformed a use to be guilt ridden, afraid, starving for love, superficial relationship with God having woman. They have made me a free from guilt, learning how to deal with her human flesh fears, filled with Gods love, and a spending time with my God daily woman. Now that’s a transformation! I would never have had that without my ruin. I would have continued as a half a woman, desperately trying to hide my insecurities and flaws from others. Killing my self to prove my worthiness of others love. Now I get to walk freely in Gods love daily. Knowing I’m worthy simply because the cross says so.
If you are finding yourself amongst your own ruins today. I know how hard that is. But I promise you, if you truly and genuinely give your pain, fears, hopes, desires, give your life over to God. He will be there waiting and wanting to help you transform your ruins. To turn your ashes into something beautiful.

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