To The Children I Never Had…

IMG_5294.JPGTo the children I never had. You have always been a dream of mine. A hope in my heart for the day I was touched by a love so strong it was life changing. You have held a place in my heart for so many years now, I can’t remember a time you didn’t.
First to my daughter. I named you when I was 12 or 13. Your name is Maddison Korine. (Well the middle name spelling is up for debate 😊) I call you Maddie! I named you while watching the movie “Splash.” It was the mermaids name in the movie. My little Maddie. And though I didn’t know your last name at the time it was okay. Your first two names were enough for me in the moment. You have my eyes and stubbornness and your dads smile and fearlessness. You are bouncy and playful and full of love! And though I want to dress you in dresses and bows. You are just like your mom and prefer pants and a tshirt. But you love your ballet tu-tu. And how you have daddy wrapped around your precious little finger.
To my son. I also named you at 12 or 13. Christopher David. You look just like your dad. But you have your moms heart. You are kind, generous, and a free spirit. You love sports but don’t mind cuddling up with mom to watch a movie too. Sharing our own special snack of course. You are smart too! Way smarter than mama! You must get that from your daddy.
I love packing both your lunches leaving little notes giving you that extra push you need to know you are loved and can face your day. And though you can drive me crazy at times, I love you oh so very much. And your dad too. I love him with all that I am.

These are dreams I’m letting go of and giving to God. My dream of this family that has never happened for me. And though I am fully aware that my life is far from over. At almost 42 and no where near getting married, this is a dream that keeps slipping further away. It hurts like hell! So why do I share this with you?
Because I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not the only one asked to let go of dreams. Asked to lay things at Gods feet you want so badly, that your entire body, mind, heart, longs for them. Aches for them. Life was never guaranteed to go the way we dreamed. Whether you have never had a dream realized, or you have had to say goodbye to one. It’s still loss. It still requires an enormous amount of faith. How do I handle this? How do I let go of everything I’ve ever wanted?
Well I cry. I allow myself the time to grieve. I pray a lot! All the time really! I have to constantly ask for strength to endure the loss of a life I never got to have. And somethings I’ve had, but had to say goodbye to. I read my Bible everyday. Or at least usually everyday. Sometimes I miss Saturday. That’s something to work on! But I cover my life with the word, promises, truths, love, and grace of God. Does it help me all the time? No. It doesn’t keep me from crying and feeling sorry for myself at times. This is a true desire that I have had for years. So it’s not easy to just completely give up on. But in those moments of extreme loss and pain, it does help to calm my spirit. To make me aware that I am not alone in this.
That’s what I do to cope. It can help you too. Go to God and lay whatever it is you need to at His feet today. Allow Him to be the hope you need to push on. Remember that He loves you and wants to help you get through the pain. And help you move into the life He has planned for you. As hard as I know it can be to accept.

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