Have you heard the song “You Can’t Stop Me” by Andy Mineo? That song y’all is my anthem. I love it because it reminds me to be mindful of a battle I face everyday. Feeling inadequate. It’s a battle I think a lot of us face. I have been on a journey the last 2 years of becoming ill and coming back from that. A lot of it a battle of spiritual proportions. This is a very personal story for me. But I’m willing to share it if it can keep even one of you from going through something like I did.
Let me let you in on a little secret about the devil. When you are in your sin, whatever that sin may be, he down plays your actions like they are no big deal. You know he will say things to you like “you deserve to be happy so do it.” “You aren’t doing anything really that bad. I mean others do it too.” And so on. But when you are trying to do better in life, getting on a track that makes him uncomfortable, he amplifies every choice you have ever made. And he will hound you with it until you give up and go back to living life for yourself and not God. So how does this pertain to me and feeling inadequate?
So for me, right after I got engaged I started hearing this voice in my head that said “you don’t deserve him after all the men you have slept with. He is too good for you. You will never get to marry him. You don’t get to be happy” and so forth. I Never told my fiancé as I was way too embarrassed to admit this to him. So I talked to a friend at church and another trusted friend. Life was going on around me too. My sister had a major heart surgery, well aorta surgery, I’m trying to plan a wedding way too quickly because deep down I’m scared if I don’t do it soon it won’t happen. (Though I couldn’t see that at the time) At the time I assured my self it was for all the right reasons. I have a small scare with an hpv diagnosis which of course my head turned into a bigger health scare than it was. It became something for the devil to say “see I told you you didn’t get to be happy. Life had become very stressful and of course my pride required I handle it all on my own. To cover up the fact that I was feeling so inadequate of course. Pride it can be an evil thing. But that’s a topic for another day. Then one Friday i became sick. Very intense pain couldn’t eat throwing up when I tried. That led to an 8 month battle of and for my life. A battle my body is still recovering from to this day. It led to my engagement ending anyways. It was a huge mess. All because a spiritual battle for my mind was going on.
See I allowed the devil to make me feel inadequate because of my choices prior to meeting my ex. I have always felt inadequate due to other factors of my life. I used sex to feel worthy and the love I was so desperate for. It’s a very common thing to do as humans but it leads to a lot of regret. It truly only leads to more pain. I’m living proof of that.
So how can you and I realize the devils tricks and stop him before we do anymore damage to our lives? It’s simple really. How do you combat lies? You do it with truth. Who’s truth? Gods truth. You see like I said earlier the devil will always try to tell you what you deserve. Whether it’s you deserve to do this sin because of whatever, or you don’t deserve good now because of your sin. But Satan is the farther of lies. It tells us this in the Bible. John 8:44 “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” So now I come back at him (Satan) with this. I deserve death Satan. But Jesus took that for me. And now I get truth and grace. Truth is who God says I am. Not you. Grace says no matter what I’ve done I am loved by God and worthy through the blood of Jesus. Though it may not be what I deserve, it’s what I get. Once we can fully understand and accept that, Satan loses power. You can look at him in any situation and yell “you can’t stop me!” Look up Ephesians 6: 10-17. For our purposes we are going to focus on the truth part. So what is the truth about how God looks at me? Looks at you? Are we worthy after the things we’ve done? Or is Satan right and I’m, you’re, the exception? Well I look to a very well known verse to answer that. If you don’t know it already look up John 3:16. Notice it says the world. Not the world except (enter your name). It also says whoever. Not whoever except (enter your name here.) That 1 verse alone shuts down our feelings of being too far gone for God. Then there’s Psalms 139:14. “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” You were created on purpose for a purpose only you can fill by an all powerful God! There is absolutely nothing inadequate about you!!! Say it out loud with me “I’m not inadequate! “ You See Once you and I start reading and living in truth, Satan can’t stop us. We can’t stop ourselves. Once we fully accept who we are in God, in Christ, we can finally stop becoming our own worst enemy.
I have been my own worst enemy for far too many years now. Allowing thoughts of not being good enough to rule my life. And I still have to work at that everyday. It’s not something you can just do once and say “ok I’m good now life will never come after me again .” I wish that were true, but it’s not. That’s why everyday even if it’s just 5 minuets at first a day, spend time with God. I do my mine first thing before going out into the world. I pray then read 10 minutes of Gods word. But why do you need to spend time reading the Bible? Well simple. You can’t guard yourself with Gods truth if you don’t know it. Just like you can’t pass a test without knowing any of the information. You can’t pass the tests and trials of life without knowing how to. That’s all in the Bible. But you gotta want it. You gotta be hungry for Gods word in your life, or you won’t do it.
I want so much for all of you reading this, to be able to see your worth now through the truth of gods word. And not search for it way too long in the eyes of others. In the world. To know that you are enough just as you are. That you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. Not by having sex, doing drugs to fit in, drinking, or anything else just to be let into a crowd or someone’s life. Those choices right now that Satan is trying to tell you are no big deal. He will use them in the years to come to ruin you. But only if you allow Him to. That’s why looking to God now is so vital. To truly believe and receive Jesus and his gift of the cross. So when the time comes you can look those choices head on and choose wisely. No I don’t have to sleep with you for my worth or love. I’m already worthy and loved by God and He has plans for me that don’t include sacrificing my soul for you. I don’t have to drink to fit in or dull the pain. I’m set apart by God for great things. He loves me and will help me get through anything. I wish with all that I am, I would have done this much sooner in life. Trust me when I tell you you will too if you don’t. I want to leave you with a dream I had during the almost tail end of my physical pain from eating battle. Thats the best way I know to put it. In this dream I was with my doctor in what was supposed to be his office. It was the face of my actual doctor just not his actual office. So he is talking to me telling that he has run every test he can. That there is nothing “wrong” with me. But I pleaded with him, look more. I’m still in so much pain. I can’t eat I’m wasting away. Keep looking. Then he looked at me and said “follow me.” I did and he led me to a room filled with books. Filled with people sitting there. And for some reason TV trays. I don’t know. That’s my brain. 😜 My doctor then directed me to a certain book shelf. He told me to reach for the book on the very top. Then he disappeared from my dream. So I walked alone towards this bookshelf. I knocked over several TV trays along the way making a big mess to get to this book. I finally reach the shelf and have to reach way up so I can to get this book. I finally reach it, bring it down. And it’s the Bible. Right then and there God said to me, “Christa you have looked everywhere else for answers for healing for peace but here. Trust me. I’ve got you.” You See I had made a mess of life trying to get the only thing or things I could get from God. Truth is we all do. In some way or another. The question I want to leave you and myself with is this, how big of a mess do you want to make before you go to God? How much clean up do you want to have to do? Though God will help you clean it up. Isn’t it better to go to Him now rather than later? Before any more damage is done?