At her core this woman wants to help others. Wants to do great things for the Lord. Wants to walk tall no longer buckling under the weight of her past. Wants to be someone she can be proud of. She wants to live her best life even if it looks nothing like she planned.
It’s funny these days I love nothing more than cancelled plans. Yes. I am getting a little too good at being alone. However I’m not so good at letting go of a picture I can get in my head of how something should go or look or be. This can range from taking hours to buy a dress cause I’m looking for the one I’ve dreamed up in my head all the way to I get unsatisfied with life because it’s not looking how it was suppose to. Or I can feel so deeply that I have to do things a certain way (usually to perfection) and turn myself inside out to make it happen. For quite a time in my life I was ruled by unrealistic expectations.
I remember a day that was really a great day. But my need to prove worthiness through perfection almost ruined it for me. See I had picked out matching outfits for my fiancées kids to wear for a cute photo shoot on our beach trip with his family. You know the kind of pictures. The ones where no matter what had just gone down everyone was matching and smiling. The perfect picture. Here’s a little secret about that though. Why I was so determined to catch those photos. Without knowing it fully at the time (God has helped me to see a lot I didn’t before) I didn’t feel worthy of the blessing of my fiancé and his kids. Why? Past sins. And years of being made to feel unworthy through being abandoned by others. Some I did to myself some I had no control over. The end result though was the same through both. A total feeling of I didn’t deserve a happy ending. But if I could fake it enough, force enough perfect moments, then maybe just maybe I would be okay. Well we all know how young kids can be. One of them lived up to that reputation and refused to smile. Not only not smile, but clearly frowned the entire time. I was furious. Why? Because if my illusion failed then so did I. And there goes just more proof that I didn’t deserve the blessings these three brought me. That this happy ending would have brought me. I was killing myself to prove to others and myself my worthiness.
That’s unrealistic expectations at its best. That a cute smiling photo on a beach would somehow prove something. That putting that on Facebook for all to see and ohh and ahh over would take away years of feeling unworthy. Talk about unfair pressure on two young kids. But that’s how it goes when we are so tangled up in the lies of the enemy. When we have believed for so long that our past or present, makes us unworthy for Gods best. Here’s the real truth, it does. I mean if someone completely went against what you had told them for years, denied you, hated you, did whatever they wanted just to be happy, would you still believe them worthy to have the best you could give them? (All parents right now just thought yes because of their kids. We will get to that in a second) For just this moment think about someone not your child. Would you still? That’s how we can feel after years of denying God and doing life our way. We don’t remember or feel like His child. But we are. God sent Jesus to die for all those things that make us feel separated from Him. The cross is what makes us worthy. Not a hundred good deeds to make up for our bad ones. Not even a hundred cute perfect photos. The cross alone makes us worthy. It’s through the cross that God says, you are worth it all to me no matter what. And if you are worth it all to God, don’t you think that means you also deserve His best for you.
Unfortunately my relationship with my fiancé crumbled under the pressure of an illness I went through and my very brittle mental state at the time. That was a pain I never thought possible. A huge deep wound that is still healing over 2 years later. God has been showing me piece by piece over the past two years that we weren’t being honest with each other. Not to purposely deceive the other. But mostly because we were not being honest with ourselves. A tough life lesson to learn. At least for me. I can see now that if we had married at the time planned, I would still be killing myself to prove myself worthy. The pressure I would be putting myself under would probably have helped to end us anyway. God spared us both I believe from making that mistake. From unwillingly hurting each other for years through our own self deception. There is no fault to be laid here. Just hard truths.
Maybe you are putting way too much pressure on yourself today out of fear of being unworthy. The lie of perfection is a strong one. It’s very good at making you believe you can obtain it if you just try hard enough. News flash! You can’t! Perfection is fake news! The only one ever to be perfect on this earth was Jesus. And He willingly died so your imperfections didn’t have to control your life. It’s time we stop letting them. It was very difficult for me to get to the point where I could see this about myself. It took my life completely falling apart and me falling on God in a way I never had before. I want to help others see that they can fall on God before their life completely falls apart. So today, if you are killing yourself to prove you are worthy, please stop! Go to God and allow Him to prove to you that you no longer have to do that. Let the cross and the blood of Christ do that for you. And find someone you trust, that also follows God, to talk to. This will take time and you will need a human ear and voice as well. Like I said though, make sure they also talk with God.
God is redeeming and restoring my life everyday. I’m doing things now I would have never had the courage to do before. Including believing in myself. And believing that good is here and coming because I deserve it simply because God wants to give it to me. Abundant life. That’s what God sent Jesus to give us. It’s time we claim ours!