I’m watching a friend go through this right now. She has recently met a man who is treating her the way most of us want to be treated in a relationship.
Respectful, giving, showing her in little ways she is important to him. But she is having a hard time accepting it. Why? Because she is still allowing past hurts to dictate how she loves and receives love.
It’s a hard transition. Going from hurt and broken, to healing yourself, to trusting someone with your heart again. When we take the time to really reflect on what we’ve learned from our past relationship(s), heal from the hurt it or they caused, and learn to move on by ourselves, it’s hard to give someone that power over us again. We tend to guard the hardest what we’ve worked the hardest for. It’s only natural. Being let down by someone you thought never would is a devastating hit. It hits our hearts, our minds, our spirt, and crushes all 3 with one blow. But is that truly how we want to live? Live scared? Afraid of letting anyone in? Always looking for how someone will hurt us or let us down?
Truth is people will always let us down in some way. No one is perfect. But here we are talking about the big let downs. Cheating, lying, abusing, leaving. Those kind of let downs. But no matter what we have to be willing to take a chance. Believe that we deserve better and that better has found us. We have to stop living broken. We have to stop living like our shattered pieces are still all over the place. We have to learn to live healed. We have to learn to trust again. To hope again. We have to learn to let love in again. Learn to love like we’ve never been hurt. Giving all of ourself over to the thought of loving someone new. No holding back. How you might ask?
Simple. It’s a decision you make. That’s all. You decide to let your defenses down, allowing someone to get close to you again. To see all of who you are. You decide to take a chance. To take a chance on being loved over being hurt. You decide that someone is finally worth that chance. And you dive in head first. You don’t dip your toe in and walk all scared into the water. (Please note this does not mean you don’t keep your wits about you.) You go into every date or situation positive, head held high, like you are worth every good thing. You decide to stop living like damaged goods, and instead like the priceless person you are.
Before we can do this though we have to know who we are. Who we are to ourselves and to God. Taking time to do that is imperative to being able to successfully love again. Until we have a firm understanding of just how priceless we are, we will continue to live damaged, worthless, unworthy, unloveable, and more. This will lead us to believing that the other will leave us or do us wrong. After all I don’t deserve better so it’s just a matter of time. Can you see how that is counterproductive? You can’t love freely, believing you deserve better, if you are still looking at yourself through damaged lenses. You will sabotage that relationship before it even has a chance. So how do we keep this from happening? How can we make sure we are ready for new love when it comes knocking on our door?
We first take time to properly heal. To heal ourselves instead of looking for someone else to do it for us. That might be 6 months, might be a year, maybe longer. That will be a person and case by case basis. No one heals the same or at the same rate. The point is not to rush it. Give yourself the time you need. While healing learn to love your life while living it alone. Find things that you love to do. Dare to date yourself. Then when someone does come along you aren’t looking for them to make your life, just simply compliment it. That way the other person doesn’t get the impossible job of making you happy. Also while healing get into a relationship with your Lord and Savior like you never have before. Read your Bible daily. Pray multiple times a day. Look for God in your everyday life. Take time to allow Him to love on you like no other woman or man could. Allow Him to help you see who you are and what you’re worth. Everything. That way when someone does come along you aren’t looking to them for your self worth or self love. That’s not their job. It’s yours. It’s Gods. All of this along with giving yourself time will lead to healing. Will lead you to being able to stop living damaged. To keep you from sabotaging your new relationship.
I hope that if you have been deeply hurt by a relationship that you take your time and heal, learn to truly love your life, and then someday love another again! Love is always a risk. But true real love is worth it! I hope to find mine someday. For now I continue my own healing, loving my life, and loving God like never before! ❤