Hey there, it’s me. Grief. I know you are tired of me. Tired of the emotions that crash in and out of your mind and heart like an overactive ocean. The back-and-forth dance that you and I have been choreographing together for years now. Two steps forward and one step back as if we are forever rhythmically connected. And while I am still a part of some of your days, I need you to see something. I need you to see how you are learning to move forward without me. I need you to see the times you are flying solo and moving freely to your very own rhythm. Those moments that you forget I am in the room, and the air around you is not as heavy. The laughter that fills you up so much it snorts itself up your nose. Laughter so strong, you again hold your stomach it hurts so good. I am afraid you are so attached to me; you are missing on the life that is going on around you. While you may not be completely done with me yet, we are no longer tied together as we once were.
I don’t want you to think I am abandoning you completely, I know the importance of healing at your own pace. I am not rushing you out of my life, or me out of yours. But I do think we need to take some time and space apart. I know that sounds super scary to you at first. However, I believe if you give it some real thought, you would agree with me. You would see that you are already further removed from me than you think. That HOPE is a far closer friend of yours again than I am. You just need to keep your door open to the possibilities a friendship with HOPE brings you. If you spend less time with me, you will have so much more time and space for who and what is waiting to fill your life.
Take time to remember all the lessons we have learned together and walk in those. Everyday hold our head up high that you walked with me for so long, yet here you are. Still loving. Still going. Still growing. Still laughing. Still crying, but now not drowning. Giving yourself the space needed to be real but not allowing that be the only space you live in. Remembering that grief and joy can also live in the same space. Christa, remember daily who I have watched you become over the years despite me, is all inspiring.
I know there are still moments I creep in. Through a song or a memory. Through an unmet hope or desire you still carry. BUT I NEED YOU TO HEAR ME! YOU ARE MORE THAN WHO I ALLOW YOU TO SEE SOMETIMES! You are more than those aches that can leave you feeling empty at times. You are more than the worries I can cause you to think at times. Those what ifs that I can cause to creep in. You will not always feel the way you do in those moments. In fact, you have those moments so much less than you use to. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see the moments you walk lighter and breathe easier than you use to? How a song that use to bring you to your knees, now you can dance to again. How memories no longer reduce you to a puddle of tears. How you find a way daily to choose to believe in yourself and your life again.
There is no doubt that you and I have been awfully close. There have been times when neither of us knew where you ended, and I began. So intwined that we were as one. Our time together however now is fewer and farther between. There is space between us now. I can clearly see you again! I need you to clearly see yourself again too. I don’t want you to regret out time together, it was time well spent. It may not seem like it to outsiders, or even yourself at times, but you needed me. You needed permission to be angry. You needed permission to scream and yell at any given time. You needed permission to cry tears so big that you soaked your pillow at night. You needed permission to say exactly what you needed to say. When you needed to say it. Now I am giving you permission to see how much healing we have done together. I am giving you permission to maybe not say goodbye forever, but to for sure say I need some time apart. Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you and will always be available if you need a safe space again. For now though, I am giving you permission to live without me for as long as you can or should so choose to.
I will forever remember the moments you and I shared. The moments that have allowed you to become the woman you are. I do take some credit there. I am so proud of you and how you have handled me with such grace and poise. (Well, most of the time) I am proud of how I have watched you finally find the strength to be true to yourself. I have watched you use me to help others who are also in a relationship with me. You are a remarkable woman Christa; it is time for you to believe that too. Not from a since of pride, but to finally become ALL you are called to be. From small things to big, you are capable now of so much more than you were before me.
So, while this is not goodbye, it is my way of untangling us. You are your own person now. You do not need me anymore. At least not NEARLY as much. Allow yourself to see that. Release your grip from me because I am taking my grip off you. Go forward and live! Laugh! Love! But if you should feel the tears coming again, know that does not mean I am moving back in for good. It’s simply a quick visit. Do not feel the need to make me feel comfortable. I won’t be staying as long this time. I can’t wait to watch from afar as you learn daily to live more and more without me as an overwhelming presence. You’ve got this my friend. God has brought you through and will continue to see you through. Stand on that hope!
Sincerely your friend,